If Only There Was A Code For This

You know to whom the world has been too kind ? Dan Brown. Not that I've read his books. I just judge them vicariously through other people. This saves both time and money. The whole “Da Vinci Code” thing never really interested me (although I do have a soft spot for albino priests who kill). In all honesty, there are far too few sharks in the Dan Brown books to hold my interest. But let’s not focus on that. Not everyone wishes they were in a shark-filled dreamland with Peter O’Toole and Carl Sagan. Instead, let’s focus on some fun sentences that other people have found in Dan Brown novels! Hooray! Special thanks to The Telegraph for showcasing some of these gems.

Deception Point: Overhanging her precarious body was a jaundiced face whose skin resembled a sheet of parchment paper punctured by two emotionless eyes.

I think this book is about a succubus and a teen girl who fall in love.

The Da Vinci Code: A voice spoke, chillingly close. "Do not move." On his hands and knees, the curator froze, turning his head slowly. Only fifteen feet away, outside the sealed gate, the mountainous silhouette of his attacker stared through the iron bars. He was broad and tall, with ghost-pale skin and thinning white hair. His irises were pink with dark red pupils.

Some people have personal space bubbles of fifteen feet. This scene is terrifying to those people. Also, the definition of “silhouette” was changed just before this book was published.

Angels and Demons: Bernini's Fountain of the Four Rivers glorified the four major rivers of the Old World - The Nile, Ganges, Danube, and Rio Plata.

I’ll give you guys a second to figure this one out. Hint: Think about where the Rio Plata is. Extra hint: Not the Old World.

The Da Vinci Code: Only those with a keen eye would notice his 14-karat gold bishop's ring with purple amethyst, large diamonds, and hand-tooled mitre-crozier appliqué.

Rings are invisible to most people.

The Da Vinci Code: The vehicle was easily the smallest car Langdon had ever seen. "SmartCar," she said. "A hundred kilometers to the liter."

Really? Smaller than a Hot Wheels? Oh, and for those of you who don’t believe a SmartCar can go one hundred kilometers to the liter, let me just tell you that they can. Especially if those one hundred kilometers are downhill and the car is in neutral. And the brakes don’t work.

Angels and Demons: Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own.

Odd how the smell was what brought him to that realization.

The Lost Symbol: The OS director’s voice was unmistakable – like gravel grating on a chalkboard.

Do we normally associate chalkboards with gravel?

The Lost Symbol: The only wrinkle was the bloody black-clad heap in the foyer with a screwdriver protruding from his neck.

I have no idea what’s going on here. Whoever stabbed this person did a very sloppy job.